10 Things You Can Do to Be A Super Big Success on Substack and Beyond

My best advice for how to be a great anything, even a writer

First of all, you’re welcome for the post you’re about to read. You’re getting something here for free that’s taken me decades of careful study to cultivate. Think of it as a cosmic playbook for greatness.

In these troubled times, it’s easy to forget yourself, to get overwhelmed with the problems of the world which can cause you to stall out and even languish on the ladder to realizing your full potential. If you work these 10 steps, I guarantee you will be wildly successful at anything you aspire to be. Be sure to stick around at the end for a little Q&A in the comments. You can ask your questions, tell me which step has changed the way you think about your life, or just express the depth of your gratitude. Without further delay, let’s get to the dispensing of wisdom.

1. Be Really Attractive

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But you’re wrong. It really is about how good you look in a pair of jeans. I know we tell ourselves that other stuff matters more like hard work, intelligence, kindness, and generosity but these are just bobbles to accessorize devastating good looks. Don’t believe me? Why do you think Keanu Reeves has so many memes about his incredible kindness to strangers. If he was wall-eyed and riddled with acne scars no one would be talking about how he gave some old woman his seat on the subway. So, whatever you have to do— veneers, lifts, nips, tucks, complete reconstructive surgery, just be attractive.

2. Have a Lot of Money

I can’t recommend this one enough. Money does actually solve everything. Not enough people paying attention to your music career? A well-placed anonymous sponsorship will grease the skids and get you booked into that Coachella slot between Post Malone and Ed Sheeran. No one wants to publish your book? Just buy a small imprint, drop a few hundred Gs into some half-page ads in the New York Times and pay some influencers on TikTok to gush about your “transformational, genre-bending, work of genius.” Soon, the world will be convinced. Oh, and if you have higher aspirations, like, say you want to be President of the United States of America and be nominated for a Nobel prize as a convicted felon? You get the idea. If you buy it, people will come.

3. Only Befriend People Who Can Help You

It’s called networking, duh. Everyone knows you’ve got to work your network to make things happen. No one ever got a promotion just by doing their job. No one onstage at the Oscars got there without knowing how to shake the sweaty guy from Omaha who wanted to prattle on all night about his new baby at an industry party. Every minute you waste with that needy college friend who’s dying of cancer is a minute you won’t get back for networking with the tastemakers who will launch your career. So whom, you may ask, is worthy of developing a close, meaningful friendship with? That’s easy, people who have #1 and/or #2 locked down.

4. Learn to Gesture When You Speak

You probably think you’re a good conversationalist, that you can hold a room. But let me tell you, unless you master the subtle art of gesticulation, you’re never going to measure up. Great speakers know you can’t just stand there like a corpse when you give your TED Talk. With your hands, you must emote. You must steeple-point your fingers when you’re saying something thoughtful. When you want to appear mysterious and evocative, master the Matthew McConaughey finger-roll like your feeling a fine piece of silk or carefully working a booger that’s stuck to you thumb. There’s an entire language you speak with your hands and I’m not talking about that silly stuff the woman in the little box does at the bottom right of the screen for deaf people during presidential speeches. I’m talking about the sign language of powerful people. Oh, and don’t be afraid to whip out the finger-guns at the climax of your story when landing key points— that’s clutch.

5. Avoid Caring Too Much

I’ve known so many people who could be great but just can’t seem to get out of their own way. Their problem? They just care too much about everything. Clearly they never read that book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Spoiler alert, it’s all small stuff. You don’t need to lose sleep over leaving that guy at the alter who donated a kidney to your mother and worked two jobs to put you through film school. They probably had a great party after you left! Do you always think you have to tip the waitstaff or even pay your part of the bill when you’re out with friends? Do you burn calories worrying about the polar bears, the melting ice caps, your Tesla purchase, the rise of authoritarianism, or the person you cut-off on the Interstate that was rear-ended causing a ten-car pile up? If you answered yes to these questions, you might have a problem. Caring is an anchor around your neck. With some deep meditation practice and proper breathing, you can overcome these intrusive thoughts, but it will take focus and discipline.

6. Avoid Looking Like Someone Who Doesn’t Care

People love Pedro Pascal because he really seems to care about a lot of things. You could say it’s his brand. Because that’s what it is, a masterfully curated image of someone who has real human empathy and feelings for others. Of course it’s not real. He mastered steps 1 through 5 and then did the deep work to actually present as a person who likes trans people and cares about the plight of illegal brown people. While not strictly necessary, appearing to be a saint has some lasting power on the socials. I challenge you to name a more memed actor. No one’s giving Daniel Day Lewis the time of day anymore. Sure, he’s retired after winning 139 awards, but no one cares because he looks like he doesn’t care too much. He never made it to step 6.

7. Don’t Work Too Hard At Anything

No one likes a tiresome, busy body who’s all about the “craft.” If you do have to hustle, avoid sweating while you do it. Perfect is the enemy of good. You just need to get it in the ballpark and everything else will work out. And you know what? It’s never been easier to be good without having to waste the proverbial 10,000 hours required to master something. Don’t know what I’m talking about? AI. A fuckin’ I. You don’t actually have to learn to do ANYTHING now. Want to write a novel? Done. Want to produce a banger song? Done. Want a music video to go along with that song? Done. Want to generate a post about ten things to make your career a super big success? Kidding, this is 100% yours truly. But seriously, if you’re not pumping and pimping the prompts, then I’m afraid you will be left behind in the new world economy.

8. Look As If You’re Working Incredibly Hard

What did the Buddha say, life is suffering? While this is a load of crap and not something a great success like you should aim for, people tend to enjoy watching the right amount of suffering in service of greatness. The key here is to document your suffering in an artistic way that lends itself easily to an Instagram story. Let’s say you’re writing a novel. Well, we all know from #7 that you wrapped this over a couple of jam sessions with ChatGPT last weekend so, what to do? Get a leather-bound journal that’s appropriately distressed and a handful of working-class Bic ballpoint pens. Arrange them just so on a table in a hip coffeeshop (NOT STARBUCKS). Find the right vintage filter with the appropriate amount of graininess and snap a few pics. Rinse and repeat a few dozen more times in different locales over the next few weeks, and if possible, distress the cover of the journal a bit between each shot. If convenient, apply a few drops of blood to the journal and some of the pages. In a month, move to a vintage typewriter with an ever-growing stack of pages beside it. These shots should always be accompanied by a beverage— black coffee in a chipped cup or possibly a half-empty bottle of cheap whiskey. And finally, this last piece is critical. In your final Insta post, take a video of that stack of pages burning in the grate of a fireplace and provide the following caption: “Sometimes, you have to burn it all down to get to the truth and see what comes back.” #newbeginnings #dothework #awriterwrites

9. Start a Substack

This one’s just low-hanging fruit, folks. I mean you’re already halfway there just by reading this post. It’s never been easier to be a popular thought leader. Set up a Substack and in just a few minutes you’ll be on your way to your own media empire. You can pen Notes on the socials here that generate millions of impressions. Here are a few insider tips:

1. Be sure to tag at least 20 people you don’t really know but who have a lot of subscribers. For maximum reach, try to do this in every post. They will see you for the genius you are and good things will follow.

2. Make sure you write an earnest entreaty to all those great unknown fiction writers out there to have them leave a comment and share links to their work so that you might read it (totally not required).

3. If you can post a picture of your cleavage or use AI to generate some cleavage and tease a few salacious graphs about your time as a sex worker in Vegas, you’re going to have to beat them away with a stick.

4. If you have an animal and if they’ve died, post a picture about them. Please don’t kill your pet. Some strategies require a bit of patience.

5. When all else fails, write a sad, vague note about giving up on your dreams, but be sure you wait at least a day after you posted those five memes along the lines of “dance like no one’s watching.”

10. Leave Substack for Moral Reasons

When it gets to be too tedious, the writing, editing, posting, and obligatory reading of lesser writers’ work but you have real concerns about what quitting Substack will do for your brand, have no fear. There’s an easy out. You can make the noble and credible claim that you can no longer, in good conscience, support a platform that empowers Nazis, pedophiles, and celebrities who dilute the authenticity of the community. Be sure to publish several notes and posts explaining how difficult this decision was for you and how much you’ll miss the ‘real’ community, but in the end had to follow your moral compass. Sometimes the power move is to walk away.

Well, I hope that was entertaining and not at all helpful. If you’re confused, don’t be. It’s Halloween and there’s no better time to put on a mask. Next week we’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming where I try to be honest, sincere, and snark-free.

Work on the new novel, Daedalia is progressing and I hope to begin publishing it as a serial here before the end of the year. In case you missed my sneak peek live reading of the first chapter a couple of weeks ago, you can check it out below. Thanks for being here and Happy Halloween.

Live Preview of New Novel, Daedalia