I literally don't know which part of this to quote first... what a brilliant, honest and brave essay. Huge applause from me Ben! At an age even further advanced into the second half of life than you I understand, all of me understands.The importance and need to control our diminishing time is ever present and for all my efforts ever more difficult to find pockets of, unless burning the midnight candle into the small hours counts - there is always a price to pay though and there shouldn't be not to do the thing we love and want most.
Thank you, Susie. I feel like I'm in good company since the theme of this piece landed with you. It is an interminable struggle some days to just breathe and accept things as they are.
First of all, thank you Ben, for giving voice to this topic that bugs so many of us. What stands out for me, and what I can relate to most is this:
“It’s taken me the better part of four decades to admit this…. also the engine behind every creative skill I ever developed.”
And this:
“So I spent most of my life self-sabotaging … still wrestling with this thing.”
And this:
“We need to believe there’s something more than our hollow existence, …and to be enough we must change who we are.”
In other words, there is an inner conflict, this self-sabotage, which we clearly recognise and wrestle with, which also becomes part of the fuel for our creative work. And we might see people half our age and half as talented or accomplished in their art form achieve far greater material success…
On one hand we are yearning for this success, at the same time we are, perhaps, dreading it, sabotaging ourselves... while at the collective level, AI seems to be taking over ‘our creative work’ undermining it all as we speak (and write, play music, paint, draw…)
I am intimately familiar with this dilemma in myself. I don’t (yet) know how to resolve it. I do believe, however, that we may each have an important role to play in its resolution simply based on the fact that it is such a bugbear!
The main conclusion I’ve come to (for myself so far) is that I don’t want to feed the existing structures, which are set up to exploit the artist, drain our creative energies, turn our art into consumable products to be exploited by AI, or the industrial complex of the ‘creative industries’.
Of course it would be fantastic to earn enough money with my work to cover my costs of living (which I don’t, and have no idea how to do that within the current structure of the publishing industry)
But I do feel an immense gratitude and awe for the creative process itself. I appreciate that I do have this intimate relationship with my creative genius who is nudging me along to keep writing, who has gifted me with 28 years and counting of creative work which is just getting better all the time, which I consider the greatest gift. I feel this is a great start, and I am continuously feeding this creative source (as I can see you doing as well…)
Whenever I feel despondent about ‘this situation’, I turn towards my creative genius in wonder, and I feel reassured, because it is us, the creators who have direct access to the source!
I often wonder, how can we use our creative resources to flourish? How can we create an entirely new path, bypassing all those unsustainable structures that don’t serve us?
Hi Veronika, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I'm so glad my story connected with you. It is such a gift to be able to embrace your creativity for its own sake and it's really the only measure of success. AI does present a whole new universe of challenges and opportunities. I don't really worry about it replacing the work of artists in the long run. We're in a period of discovery where there will be a lot of media created with it, but ultimately, I think it will settle into a place of production level work and there will still be plenty of open space for us carbon based creators.
There's Andy Warhol's famous quote, "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes."
As far as I can tell, this is that future. Regardless of how good of an artist any of us are, there are only so many stages to perform on, only so much wall space in an art museum, only so much room for printed books in a library.
Who wouldn't like to be world-renowned for their work? It takes significant effort and self-promotion to be famous. Actual ability is only one facet, and not even the most essential facet. In my opinion, Andy Warhol was just a cult leader with no real talent.
I simply try to satisfy my most demanding critic; me. Do we create art for our own satisfaction, or as a form of validation from others? Probably, both.
I've created much in my life for the paycheck. Either we support ourselves, or someone supports us. And I can't respect myself if I am supported. Still, if I can sneak a little creativity into the project, good.
Off hours are for when any of us can create what we want, push ourselves to the limit. If I can look at what I've done and say, "Dam! I nailed it!", that's as good as applause. Anyway, no audience will know as well as I do what I've accomplished or failed to accomplish.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Chip. It’s true that ultimately the person we must satisfy with any creative pursuit at the end of the day is ourselves.
Haha, I like Warhol‘s take. It reminds me that being an artist hasn’t always brought one fame, money and recognition even though there was always a stage on which to perform. Artists were low class citizens for most of our history. But perhaps we all started as artists and for the longest time until our last ice age being an artist was part of being a human: the cave paintings that were meant to record and share knowledge about the natural world, the amazing tailoring skills of the ice age people, their culture and spirituality imbued with sculpture, song, oral traditions of storytelling, dance, worship and prayer.
Thank you for this openness and honesty, Ben. Beautifully and truthfully written.
I feel it with you, even though I'm slightly (only slightly) younger.
Sometimes when I'm teaching, I want to go (metaphorically!) grab my students and scream LOOK AT ALL THE TIME AND OPPORTUNITY YOU HAVE! BE AWARE OF THE TIME!
I'm journeying home now, on a bus crammed full of people (trains are all cancelled on my work line this week due to construction) and you post made me stop, pause, think, reflect. That's special. Thank you.
PS so many things I could quote. Restacked one, but really loved this too:
"Did he understand that most of these people endured jobs that likely drained them of anything they remember of themselves, their dreams, and aspirations. Did he understand and appreciate the incredible collision of unknowable forces that converged to allow him to be on that stage in that moment doing the thing he was meant to do?"
Thank you for this beautiful, honest writing, Ben. I your vulnerability in sharing this part of yourself. I resonate with that longing. Whether it’s literally to be on a stage performing or to have the luxury of time to pursue creative projects. When I was in college, I had no money but I did have a lot of time. Now, it’s the opposite. Time is more and more precious. When I envy visible artists, some part of it is usually that they have the courage and self-confidence (self-respect? self-love?) to give themselves the permission to go for it, come what may.
Yeah, I get that. The more important ingredient than talent in an artist is an ability or perhaps willingness to freefall through life. Thank you for reading Julie and for all your kindness.
I appreciate you speaking to all this, Ben. Grappling with creativity and commerce and wants and needs, it's a minefield. And so personal, to each of us. It's funny, you couldn't pay me to get on stage. The thought actually makes me feel nauseous. But then, what am I doing? What do I hope for my creativity, out in the world, if the thought of a spotlight being anywhere near me brings me out in hives? There are so many tightropes connected to this path, it seems... Glad to be in the discussion with you, my friend.
There as many ways to be an artist as there are ways to be human but the instinct to connect is what we all have in common. You clearly do that every time you publish. Thank you for reading, friend. ❤️
This is a complicated issue, Ben, and my heart aches to read back words I have thought to myself. I worked - corporate and Other - since I started as a bag boy at our grocery store, aged 10, until we moved to Spain - 40 years, give or take - and now I'm working just as hard writing newsletters, novels, and stories while simultaneously trying to promote, market and sell them (for better or for worse.) If it weren't for my husband's job in technology, I wouldn't be able to do any of this - I am beyond grateful, and there are no guarantees.
I don't know the answer to these questions. In my gut I feel that we have traded the hope of prosperity for all and a work/life balance that allows us to spend real time pursuing our passions for the snake oil illusion of a lottery of wealth that always ends up in just a few pockets (the Casino of Life, it seems, in which the odds are never in our favor.) The dragons of industry and politics smolder on top of their heaps; the rest of humanity fights over the crumbs. I feel like adapting to this situation is not unlike the queer child who grows up in a homo/transphobic household being expected to adapt to an untenable situation that always benefits someone else.
It sounds like you and your partner have worked out a good composite that serves you both. I'm happy for you. The open space you've had to work on your writing has produced some stunning results so far. The energy and engagement I've seen ram up since we met over two years ago is wonderful to witness. I like your comparison to a Casino. Pursuing a life in the arts is kind of a crap shoot at best, at least financially. Thanks for sharing your story here, Troy.
I loved this honest and vulnerable post, Ben. There’s always a sacrifice to be made for the vast majority of us. My husband and I sacrificed having a home so we could do the things we want to do rather than work jobs we hated to pay for rent and bills. We’ve been house sitting, backpacking and doing work for accommodation exchanges for 13 years now. In many ways it has been great and given us that freedom we wanted but the world is different now and for the past couple of years it has just been a hard slog. Most of our headspace is taken up with trying to find the next place to stay. Consequently I’ve not really written any fiction for almost 5 months now. My novel in progress is stalled. But hopefully we’ll have somewhere long term to live soon in a way that still allows us to keep (or start again!) doing the art we love. I believe everyone has the creative urge and deserves to find a way to have it in their life.
Hi Amanda, thanks for sharing your story here. It takes a huge amount of courage to untether as you and your husband have -- to live a life where your creativity leads rather than your need for security and comfort. It seems like it's been an adventure and a life worth writing about. I also believe that everyone is capable of the creative act and the only thing stopping most people I've met is giving themselves permission. Thanks for reading and commenting. I look forward to being a part of your workshop in the fall.
Yes, I wanted to write for ages before I actually got on with it. That voice in my head asking 'Who do you think you are" meant it took until my late 30s before I finally started writing regularly. Living like we do has been an adventure and we have been to many great places and met so many brilliant people on our travels. Feels like some stillness is long overdue now though! I am looking forward to the workshop too. I've enjoyed every post of yours I've read and loved being part of the community writing project you ran.
You’ve shown such deep honesty with yourself, and in doing so, you hold up a mirror for the rest of us—to face our own innermost dreams with integrity and grace. I hope that this season of your life grows in proportion to your artistic drive—that it becomes a true container for your spirit. Let’s call it a Harmony House😉—a space that deeply nurtures all you have yet to create and become in this life.
That's a lovely thought, though I'm hoping for a little more than 500 square feet! Thank you so much for the kind words. I see so many of us around the same life stage here, reaching deeper and farther than perhaps any of us ever could in the early chapters. It's kind of wonderful to watch.
My husband and I have both struggled with this all our adult lives, longing to be creatives without “day jobs,” succeeding financially doing that in fits and starts, and carving out time for our art when other jobs had to take precedence. My husband is a visual artist and has been on hiatus from his “real” job for over a year, and the ability to dedicate real time and focus to his art has been phenomenal to his mental health not to mention his creativity itself. We won’t be able to sustain this much longer, unfortunately. The attempt to reclaim time was worth it, I think, and helped us both remember what, as you say, we’re meant for.
Thanks for sharing your story, Robin. You are lucky to have paired up with a kindred spirit who's right there with you make the necessary compromises every day to remain true to your creative self while still keeping a roof overhead. I was lucky to have about 18 months away from the grind of a day job recently and that's what's made it doubly hard to go back.
Thanks, J. I’m sure you probably doing feel echos of this. We’re both men of a certain age, probably wrestling with similar things as we look back and look forward.
I literally don't know which part of this to quote first... what a brilliant, honest and brave essay. Huge applause from me Ben! At an age even further advanced into the second half of life than you I understand, all of me understands.The importance and need to control our diminishing time is ever present and for all my efforts ever more difficult to find pockets of, unless burning the midnight candle into the small hours counts - there is always a price to pay though and there shouldn't be not to do the thing we love and want most.
Thank you, Susie. I feel like I'm in good company since the theme of this piece landed with you. It is an interminable struggle some days to just breathe and accept things as they are.
First of all, thank you Ben, for giving voice to this topic that bugs so many of us. What stands out for me, and what I can relate to most is this:
“It’s taken me the better part of four decades to admit this…. also the engine behind every creative skill I ever developed.”
And this:
“So I spent most of my life self-sabotaging … still wrestling with this thing.”
And this:
“We need to believe there’s something more than our hollow existence, …and to be enough we must change who we are.”
In other words, there is an inner conflict, this self-sabotage, which we clearly recognise and wrestle with, which also becomes part of the fuel for our creative work. And we might see people half our age and half as talented or accomplished in their art form achieve far greater material success…
On one hand we are yearning for this success, at the same time we are, perhaps, dreading it, sabotaging ourselves... while at the collective level, AI seems to be taking over ‘our creative work’ undermining it all as we speak (and write, play music, paint, draw…)
I am intimately familiar with this dilemma in myself. I don’t (yet) know how to resolve it. I do believe, however, that we may each have an important role to play in its resolution simply based on the fact that it is such a bugbear!
The main conclusion I’ve come to (for myself so far) is that I don’t want to feed the existing structures, which are set up to exploit the artist, drain our creative energies, turn our art into consumable products to be exploited by AI, or the industrial complex of the ‘creative industries’.
Of course it would be fantastic to earn enough money with my work to cover my costs of living (which I don’t, and have no idea how to do that within the current structure of the publishing industry)
But I do feel an immense gratitude and awe for the creative process itself. I appreciate that I do have this intimate relationship with my creative genius who is nudging me along to keep writing, who has gifted me with 28 years and counting of creative work which is just getting better all the time, which I consider the greatest gift. I feel this is a great start, and I am continuously feeding this creative source (as I can see you doing as well…)
Whenever I feel despondent about ‘this situation’, I turn towards my creative genius in wonder, and I feel reassured, because it is us, the creators who have direct access to the source!
I often wonder, how can we use our creative resources to flourish? How can we create an entirely new path, bypassing all those unsustainable structures that don’t serve us?
Hi Veronika, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I'm so glad my story connected with you. It is such a gift to be able to embrace your creativity for its own sake and it's really the only measure of success. AI does present a whole new universe of challenges and opportunities. I don't really worry about it replacing the work of artists in the long run. We're in a period of discovery where there will be a lot of media created with it, but ultimately, I think it will settle into a place of production level work and there will still be plenty of open space for us carbon based creators.
There's Andy Warhol's famous quote, "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes."
As far as I can tell, this is that future. Regardless of how good of an artist any of us are, there are only so many stages to perform on, only so much wall space in an art museum, only so much room for printed books in a library.
Who wouldn't like to be world-renowned for their work? It takes significant effort and self-promotion to be famous. Actual ability is only one facet, and not even the most essential facet. In my opinion, Andy Warhol was just a cult leader with no real talent.
I simply try to satisfy my most demanding critic; me. Do we create art for our own satisfaction, or as a form of validation from others? Probably, both.
I've created much in my life for the paycheck. Either we support ourselves, or someone supports us. And I can't respect myself if I am supported. Still, if I can sneak a little creativity into the project, good.
Off hours are for when any of us can create what we want, push ourselves to the limit. If I can look at what I've done and say, "Dam! I nailed it!", that's as good as applause. Anyway, no audience will know as well as I do what I've accomplished or failed to accomplish.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Chip. It’s true that ultimately the person we must satisfy with any creative pursuit at the end of the day is ourselves.
Haha, I like Warhol‘s take. It reminds me that being an artist hasn’t always brought one fame, money and recognition even though there was always a stage on which to perform. Artists were low class citizens for most of our history. But perhaps we all started as artists and for the longest time until our last ice age being an artist was part of being a human: the cave paintings that were meant to record and share knowledge about the natural world, the amazing tailoring skills of the ice age people, their culture and spirituality imbued with sculpture, song, oral traditions of storytelling, dance, worship and prayer.
I think you’re onto something there Claudia. I think we’re all meant to be cave painters. 😉
Absolutely!
"But perhaps we all started as artists and for the longest time until our last ice age being an artist was part of being a human" 100% 👏
Thank you for this openness and honesty, Ben. Beautifully and truthfully written.
I feel it with you, even though I'm slightly (only slightly) younger.
Sometimes when I'm teaching, I want to go (metaphorically!) grab my students and scream LOOK AT ALL THE TIME AND OPPORTUNITY YOU HAVE! BE AWARE OF THE TIME!
I'm journeying home now, on a bus crammed full of people (trains are all cancelled on my work line this week due to construction) and you post made me stop, pause, think, reflect. That's special. Thank you.
Thank you, Nathan. That’s the best we can ever hope for when someone reads our work, isn’t it?
PS so many things I could quote. Restacked one, but really loved this too:
"Did he understand that most of these people endured jobs that likely drained them of anything they remember of themselves, their dreams, and aspirations. Did he understand and appreciate the incredible collision of unknowable forces that converged to allow him to be on that stage in that moment doing the thing he was meant to do?"
Thank you for this beautiful, honest writing, Ben. I your vulnerability in sharing this part of yourself. I resonate with that longing. Whether it’s literally to be on a stage performing or to have the luxury of time to pursue creative projects. When I was in college, I had no money but I did have a lot of time. Now, it’s the opposite. Time is more and more precious. When I envy visible artists, some part of it is usually that they have the courage and self-confidence (self-respect? self-love?) to give themselves the permission to go for it, come what may.
Yeah, I get that. The more important ingredient than talent in an artist is an ability or perhaps willingness to freefall through life. Thank you for reading Julie and for all your kindness.
I 100 percent understand the longing to be in control of your time
And if I wasn’t already a paid subscriber, I’d jump in now.
So grateful for you, Holly. Thank you for always showing up.
I appreciate you speaking to all this, Ben. Grappling with creativity and commerce and wants and needs, it's a minefield. And so personal, to each of us. It's funny, you couldn't pay me to get on stage. The thought actually makes me feel nauseous. But then, what am I doing? What do I hope for my creativity, out in the world, if the thought of a spotlight being anywhere near me brings me out in hives? There are so many tightropes connected to this path, it seems... Glad to be in the discussion with you, my friend.
There as many ways to be an artist as there are ways to be human but the instinct to connect is what we all have in common. You clearly do that every time you publish. Thank you for reading, friend. ❤️
Thank you for that reminder ❤️
This is a complicated issue, Ben, and my heart aches to read back words I have thought to myself. I worked - corporate and Other - since I started as a bag boy at our grocery store, aged 10, until we moved to Spain - 40 years, give or take - and now I'm working just as hard writing newsletters, novels, and stories while simultaneously trying to promote, market and sell them (for better or for worse.) If it weren't for my husband's job in technology, I wouldn't be able to do any of this - I am beyond grateful, and there are no guarantees.
I don't know the answer to these questions. In my gut I feel that we have traded the hope of prosperity for all and a work/life balance that allows us to spend real time pursuing our passions for the snake oil illusion of a lottery of wealth that always ends up in just a few pockets (the Casino of Life, it seems, in which the odds are never in our favor.) The dragons of industry and politics smolder on top of their heaps; the rest of humanity fights over the crumbs. I feel like adapting to this situation is not unlike the queer child who grows up in a homo/transphobic household being expected to adapt to an untenable situation that always benefits someone else.
I'll stop here. I'm with you.
It sounds like you and your partner have worked out a good composite that serves you both. I'm happy for you. The open space you've had to work on your writing has produced some stunning results so far. The energy and engagement I've seen ram up since we met over two years ago is wonderful to witness. I like your comparison to a Casino. Pursuing a life in the arts is kind of a crap shoot at best, at least financially. Thanks for sharing your story here, Troy.
I loved this honest and vulnerable post, Ben. There’s always a sacrifice to be made for the vast majority of us. My husband and I sacrificed having a home so we could do the things we want to do rather than work jobs we hated to pay for rent and bills. We’ve been house sitting, backpacking and doing work for accommodation exchanges for 13 years now. In many ways it has been great and given us that freedom we wanted but the world is different now and for the past couple of years it has just been a hard slog. Most of our headspace is taken up with trying to find the next place to stay. Consequently I’ve not really written any fiction for almost 5 months now. My novel in progress is stalled. But hopefully we’ll have somewhere long term to live soon in a way that still allows us to keep (or start again!) doing the art we love. I believe everyone has the creative urge and deserves to find a way to have it in their life.
Hi Amanda, thanks for sharing your story here. It takes a huge amount of courage to untether as you and your husband have -- to live a life where your creativity leads rather than your need for security and comfort. It seems like it's been an adventure and a life worth writing about. I also believe that everyone is capable of the creative act and the only thing stopping most people I've met is giving themselves permission. Thanks for reading and commenting. I look forward to being a part of your workshop in the fall.
Yes, I wanted to write for ages before I actually got on with it. That voice in my head asking 'Who do you think you are" meant it took until my late 30s before I finally started writing regularly. Living like we do has been an adventure and we have been to many great places and met so many brilliant people on our travels. Feels like some stillness is long overdue now though! I am looking forward to the workshop too. I've enjoyed every post of yours I've read and loved being part of the community writing project you ran.
You’ve shown such deep honesty with yourself, and in doing so, you hold up a mirror for the rest of us—to face our own innermost dreams with integrity and grace. I hope that this season of your life grows in proportion to your artistic drive—that it becomes a true container for your spirit. Let’s call it a Harmony House😉—a space that deeply nurtures all you have yet to create and become in this life.
That's a lovely thought, though I'm hoping for a little more than 500 square feet! Thank you so much for the kind words. I see so many of us around the same life stage here, reaching deeper and farther than perhaps any of us ever could in the early chapters. It's kind of wonderful to watch.
And then you write. You do art. Just do more. When you can. That’s all.
Indeed. That's is. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Ben your honesty and eloquence are on brilliant display here. Thanks for speaking things that are felt by many of us!
I’m glad the theme resonated with you, Stephanie. Thanks for reading and commenting.
My husband and I have both struggled with this all our adult lives, longing to be creatives without “day jobs,” succeeding financially doing that in fits and starts, and carving out time for our art when other jobs had to take precedence. My husband is a visual artist and has been on hiatus from his “real” job for over a year, and the ability to dedicate real time and focus to his art has been phenomenal to his mental health not to mention his creativity itself. We won’t be able to sustain this much longer, unfortunately. The attempt to reclaim time was worth it, I think, and helped us both remember what, as you say, we’re meant for.
Thanks for sharing your story, Robin. You are lucky to have paired up with a kindred spirit who's right there with you make the necessary compromises every day to remain true to your creative self while still keeping a roof overhead. I was lucky to have about 18 months away from the grind of a day job recently and that's what's made it doubly hard to go back.
Really love this, Ben. I see the echoes here, a few thousand miles away. They’re universal.
Thanks, J. I’m sure you probably doing feel echos of this. We’re both men of a certain age, probably wrestling with similar things as we look back and look forward.