I like this notion of factory settings, Ben. I think you have the exact perfect factory settings to do what you do, which is to be a storyteller and a musician, and a super honest communicator. It makes you willing to put yourself out there in an extremely vulnerable way, which I think— just naturally—is not going to feel necessarily “good” a lot of the time. It’s a very brave thing to do. It’s rare set of qualities for a person to possess, but I’m glad you are able to make some peace with them. I certainly enjoy the novels you write, and find them super-engaging and easy to care about. I always like the pacing of your novels and find the serialized format, extremely satisfying—especially the audio. After a long day at work, I really like to just kick back on the couch and rest my tired eyes and listen to a great chapter from your latest tale.
My personal factory settings have changed over the years. After mothering children and homeschooling them, my perfection scale is probably down to a 6 to 7 at the most. I’ve just gotten a lot more easy-going and like to take events and people as they come. I’m a total Enneagram 9.
I’d give myself a very low validation score. 4-5 maybe? I love to work behind the scenes. You would never catch me on a stage performing in any sort of a spotlight. That’s my worst nightmare actually. So I’m very shy about sharing anything I make. And when I do, it’s always my hope to offer something comforting or encouraging in some way possible to help others. That’s when I feel most like myself. I’m also not at all a Completionist, but I do keep my promises to others. I enjoy the process a lot more than the finished product, usually. This summer, I challenged myself to finish a fictional story I had started writing—sort of as an experiment to see if I could make it happen. And I loved it very much.
So all in all, I’d say it’s a great idea to know your factory settings and try to love them. To see every day is just a tiny version of your whole life. Maybe to wake up and say “I’m the kind of person who …” and then fill in the blank with something that you love— as best you can.
You are too kind, Ann. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective. It must be a kind of superpower to have such a sensible need for validation and to not be consumed with finishing things. Why am I not surprised at all that you homeschooled your kids! That's quite an undertaking and a responsibility - I can imagine how your perfection muscle might be a little worn out. Your writing certainly does bring comfort and encouragement as you intend. Thank you for showing up here and for being so supportive of my fiction-- it means the world to me.
As a writer, my thoughts circle what some might consider a drain, others a doorway… to where, I have no idea.
I have a guess about the things you are reflecting on.. and it is only that, a guess. And I thank you for inviting your readers to ponder these things along with you.
So much of the world we live in has been based upon achievement, comparison, and labelling. None of those aspects drive me in any way. Sure, I’d enjoy being liked, and yeah, completing things can be satisfying, but… none of that beckons me out of my head as a woman. So, here’s my guess: that much of these chosen drivers of energy are geared toward the masculine in our society.
What I lean into more often is how the process of living makes me feel. When I slow down enough to notice a ladybug on a hydrangea leaf, I smile. When I find the words that most clearly express my emotions I lean in, when I connect to someone else’s heart and they ‘get me’ I feel that tender warmth. Since I enjoy how these choices make me feel, I try to do them more.
So much of what the women in our long history have been told to do is about process, not completion. Cooking, eating, then cooking again. Laundry, wearing, then laundry again. Pulling weeds, then watering then weeding once again. The tasks that have classically defined females are all process. Men? It’s been more about completion, making a name for one’s self, rising to the top of a business, competing to see who wins the race.
I know things are slowly changing, tasks are being divided more equally and competition has spread its ugliness to both genders. Yet I think you might understand where my mind is headed.
Maybe it has to do with my challenging health, or my age, but my guess (for myself anyway) is that if I don’t address the issue of enjoying the process, then completion, admiration, perfectionism, and satisfaction mean relatively little.
Beautifully said, Tey. I love that you’re able to live in this way. More and more I question what is inherently feminine and masculine. I believe gender certainly plays a role in our lives, but like most aspects of being human, we are each somewhere on the spectrum.
I love a piece like this that makes me think about things I have never pondered … even my small brain can cope with three categories (that said, I’m not sure I have a completionist streak so I’m capped at two for the purposes of this response). I like that the great thing about Substack is the ease with which aspirant writers can press publish with only themselves as the arbiters of ‘good taste’/quality. There’s no minimum entry level and no demand to hit others’ need for ‘perfect’. I love to think that what I put out is the best it can be so I’m pitching myself as a 6 … but I have a pretty good sense of ‘done’ so I know when to stop scratching away to find ‘more’. Validation … ah yes, now I am no longer in a hierarchal ‘world of work’ where ‘good’ earned another obvious step up a ladder (and all the validation that went with it), I suspect I am hard-wired to need it … who doesn’t want their words to strike a chord and not hit a nerve. I’m a solid 8.5 gusting 9 on that scale. Excellent article, Ben.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and thanks so much for sharing a little peek into your wiring. I agree it’s great to have Substack as a place to publish where the only gatekeeper is you. There wasn’t a lot of science behind the three traits I zeroed in on for this but these made sense for illustration purposes.
I really appreciate this post, Ben. I’m so glad you shared it. I’ve only read perfectionism so far, but had to chime in. My good friend and colleague is a 10 at her architecture practice, maybe an 11. I’ve always hovered around 8, which has dropped a bit as I’ve gotten older. I always wondered if I just didn’t care enough or lacked the focus or patience to go that extra 20 or 30% (that really feels more like 70% when you’re in the thick of it). I agree it’s a factory setting. That makes sense to me.
It’s crazy isn’t it how excruciatingly hard that last 10 yards is? I think getting older does tend to mellow us out a little bit and maybe we ease off the throttle on some of the things we’re more manic about.
Love this idea of scoring and then appreciating your factory settings, which also recognizing the tripwires. Introspection and self-compassion have their benefits. I’m going to say, for me — perfectionism 7-8; validation 7; completion 7? Or 8? I’m 5 chapters from finishing the novel I’m serializing. It’s feeling harder to stay focused but that may also be due to external pressures of work and life. Validation used to be much higher but has calmed a bit as I’ve gotten older (then again, I could be lying to myself).
I think we’re all unreliable narrators to some degree when it comes to understanding our true nature. From what I know of you, your self-assessment seems pretty accurate though. I’m glad this post was helpful. Thanks for jumping in and sharing your thoughts.
I like this notion of factory settings, Ben. I think you have the exact perfect factory settings to do what you do, which is to be a storyteller and a musician, and a super honest communicator. It makes you willing to put yourself out there in an extremely vulnerable way, which I think— just naturally—is not going to feel necessarily “good” a lot of the time. It’s a very brave thing to do. It’s rare set of qualities for a person to possess, but I’m glad you are able to make some peace with them. I certainly enjoy the novels you write, and find them super-engaging and easy to care about. I always like the pacing of your novels and find the serialized format, extremely satisfying—especially the audio. After a long day at work, I really like to just kick back on the couch and rest my tired eyes and listen to a great chapter from your latest tale.
My personal factory settings have changed over the years. After mothering children and homeschooling them, my perfection scale is probably down to a 6 to 7 at the most. I’ve just gotten a lot more easy-going and like to take events and people as they come. I’m a total Enneagram 9.
I’d give myself a very low validation score. 4-5 maybe? I love to work behind the scenes. You would never catch me on a stage performing in any sort of a spotlight. That’s my worst nightmare actually. So I’m very shy about sharing anything I make. And when I do, it’s always my hope to offer something comforting or encouraging in some way possible to help others. That’s when I feel most like myself. I’m also not at all a Completionist, but I do keep my promises to others. I enjoy the process a lot more than the finished product, usually. This summer, I challenged myself to finish a fictional story I had started writing—sort of as an experiment to see if I could make it happen. And I loved it very much.
So all in all, I’d say it’s a great idea to know your factory settings and try to love them. To see every day is just a tiny version of your whole life. Maybe to wake up and say “I’m the kind of person who …” and then fill in the blank with something that you love— as best you can.
You are too kind, Ann. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective. It must be a kind of superpower to have such a sensible need for validation and to not be consumed with finishing things. Why am I not surprised at all that you homeschooled your kids! That's quite an undertaking and a responsibility - I can imagine how your perfection muscle might be a little worn out. Your writing certainly does bring comfort and encouragement as you intend. Thank you for showing up here and for being so supportive of my fiction-- it means the world to me.
As a writer, my thoughts circle what some might consider a drain, others a doorway… to where, I have no idea.
I have a guess about the things you are reflecting on.. and it is only that, a guess. And I thank you for inviting your readers to ponder these things along with you.
So much of the world we live in has been based upon achievement, comparison, and labelling. None of those aspects drive me in any way. Sure, I’d enjoy being liked, and yeah, completing things can be satisfying, but… none of that beckons me out of my head as a woman. So, here’s my guess: that much of these chosen drivers of energy are geared toward the masculine in our society.
What I lean into more often is how the process of living makes me feel. When I slow down enough to notice a ladybug on a hydrangea leaf, I smile. When I find the words that most clearly express my emotions I lean in, when I connect to someone else’s heart and they ‘get me’ I feel that tender warmth. Since I enjoy how these choices make me feel, I try to do them more.
So much of what the women in our long history have been told to do is about process, not completion. Cooking, eating, then cooking again. Laundry, wearing, then laundry again. Pulling weeds, then watering then weeding once again. The tasks that have classically defined females are all process. Men? It’s been more about completion, making a name for one’s self, rising to the top of a business, competing to see who wins the race.
I know things are slowly changing, tasks are being divided more equally and competition has spread its ugliness to both genders. Yet I think you might understand where my mind is headed.
Maybe it has to do with my challenging health, or my age, but my guess (for myself anyway) is that if I don’t address the issue of enjoying the process, then completion, admiration, perfectionism, and satisfaction mean relatively little.
Beautifully said, Tey. I love that you’re able to live in this way. More and more I question what is inherently feminine and masculine. I believe gender certainly plays a role in our lives, but like most aspects of being human, we are each somewhere on the spectrum.
Love this, Ben. I can relate wholeheartedly. Thank you for speaking so much of what I didn’t have the words for. Keep shining, my friend.
Thank you, Troy! I’m glad this post resonated with you. It’s good to see you in the comments. ❤️
I love a piece like this that makes me think about things I have never pondered … even my small brain can cope with three categories (that said, I’m not sure I have a completionist streak so I’m capped at two for the purposes of this response). I like that the great thing about Substack is the ease with which aspirant writers can press publish with only themselves as the arbiters of ‘good taste’/quality. There’s no minimum entry level and no demand to hit others’ need for ‘perfect’. I love to think that what I put out is the best it can be so I’m pitching myself as a 6 … but I have a pretty good sense of ‘done’ so I know when to stop scratching away to find ‘more’. Validation … ah yes, now I am no longer in a hierarchal ‘world of work’ where ‘good’ earned another obvious step up a ladder (and all the validation that went with it), I suspect I am hard-wired to need it … who doesn’t want their words to strike a chord and not hit a nerve. I’m a solid 8.5 gusting 9 on that scale. Excellent article, Ben.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and thanks so much for sharing a little peek into your wiring. I agree it’s great to have Substack as a place to publish where the only gatekeeper is you. There wasn’t a lot of science behind the three traits I zeroed in on for this but these made sense for illustration purposes.
I really appreciate this post, Ben. I’m so glad you shared it. I’ve only read perfectionism so far, but had to chime in. My good friend and colleague is a 10 at her architecture practice, maybe an 11. I’ve always hovered around 8, which has dropped a bit as I’ve gotten older. I always wondered if I just didn’t care enough or lacked the focus or patience to go that extra 20 or 30% (that really feels more like 70% when you’re in the thick of it). I agree it’s a factory setting. That makes sense to me.
It’s crazy isn’t it how excruciatingly hard that last 10 yards is? I think getting older does tend to mellow us out a little bit and maybe we ease off the throttle on some of the things we’re more manic about.
Love this idea of scoring and then appreciating your factory settings, which also recognizing the tripwires. Introspection and self-compassion have their benefits. I’m going to say, for me — perfectionism 7-8; validation 7; completion 7? Or 8? I’m 5 chapters from finishing the novel I’m serializing. It’s feeling harder to stay focused but that may also be due to external pressures of work and life. Validation used to be much higher but has calmed a bit as I’ve gotten older (then again, I could be lying to myself).
I think we’re all unreliable narrators to some degree when it comes to understanding our true nature. From what I know of you, your self-assessment seems pretty accurate though. I’m glad this post was helpful. Thanks for jumping in and sharing your thoughts.