This reminded me of a story I heard about Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen, where Dylan asks Cohen how long it took to write Hallelujah and Cohen says a couple years (when it was closer to a decade!) And Cohen asks how long it took to write Like A Woman and Dylan says 15 minutes. We all have different factory settings!
I think about that exchange all the time. Each could have used a bit of the other. Dylan, more care. Cohen, less fastidiousness. And yet… I love their work as much as I love anyone’s.
Ben this is a brilliantly written piece, which has really forced thought about my tactics
because I shamefully admit 'embracing my factory settings' is not a place I've contemplated even remotely for one simple reason; time.
I am constantly amazed at how regularly some people pump out an awesome post and still talk about their day job and families and friends as if they all just slot into holes perfectly aligned and timed!
How do they do that?
How do you do that?
I don't doubt, if I had more of this seemingly rare and expensive commodity I may well think more often about validation, thinking of it now, yeah, sure, its wonderful to see those little hearts lighting up, today I received a message from Substack saying I am #33 rising in climate and environment. And sure, it was a wow moment, it made my day but what do I do with it, it doesn't change anything because I don't have the time to allow it.
Perfection I can draw a line through immediately as confirmed by one rather blunt subscriber a couple of posts ago... the less said the better, I am never going to be awarded the perfect 10/10. I write what I see and feel, edit until I love what I read back, hope that my subscribers will too and post. I don't have time for fine tuning because the laundry is waiting, my sheep are calling or ivy is growing under the tiles on the barn roof and I need to drag a ladder up to cut it back, and and and...
Completion... if I tell you that I have over 20 unfinished drafts, not to mention the hand written novel gathering dust in a box under my bed, and several attempts at a memoire you'll understand I why this too is a mute point.
But, I love writing, I cannot imagine stoping ever, even if the slots for doing so are fleeting, I write to share my good fortune in the hope that the words brighten the day of others... that's all.
Hi Susie, first off, let me apologize for being so incredibly late in responding to your comment here. I've been going through quite a lot lately and since I don't have notifications turned on, I just didn't think this piece had any life left in it after the first few days. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on your settings. It's wonderful to see so many writers I admire wrestle openly with the same things that plague me.
The one thing we truly have in common is the mountain of things competing for our time. I feel so stretched these days. Congratulations on charting!!! All those little nudges help but you're absolutely right about them changing nothing at all about the work. Thank you for being here, as always. I'm overdue for an update on your hill.
Ben I haven't written A Hill and I post in many weeks due a rather ghastly woman that slayed my confidence with a beastly comment... it's passing, maybe this week I will remedy that — I've been saying that since though...
I did write a very short story in reply to a prompt from Caravan Writers Collective which if you have a few minutes I would love to hear what you think. I don't write fiction as you know but this just flowed, accent n'all.
This is great, Ben. Here to offer you validation from a fellow writer! I envy your drive to completionism. I've struggled with that a lot. I'm more of a perfectionist -- capable of not publishing at all, so long as a more perfect version of whatever I'm working on still lives in my head. I do think there's something to be said for developing the necessary muscle/endurance to write through morass and drivel between the pieces that really shine. Going through funks, and less perfect periods, is just part of the process.
Hi Alicia, thanks so much for commenting and I'm sorry to be so late in responding. It's been a tough couple of weeks. It's fascinating, isn't it, how differently we're all wired. You hint at a factory setting that is probably the single most important one and that's persistence -- pushing through the morass and drivel to get to the pieces that shine. I think that's what we're all doing most days.
Sharp piece Ben. Returning to our factory settings, or rather, leaning into them, feels like another way of saying “as it is.” Maybe even “unfixed.” Something in me breathes a bit deeper just writing those words. You and those factory settings are pretty great, as they are, I’m sure the programmer was quite pleased when you rolled off the lot.:)
Thank you, friend. I guess my mom and dad would be the closest ones to thank for my factory settings but more and more I don’t believe a parent can take any credit or blame. In many ways, I think we come fully baked.
I like this notion of factory settings, Ben. I think you have the exact perfect factory settings to do what you do, which is to be a storyteller and a musician, and a super honest communicator. It makes you willing to put yourself out there in an extremely vulnerable way, which I think— just naturally—is not going to feel necessarily “good” a lot of the time. It’s a very brave thing to do. It’s rare set of qualities for a person to possess, but I’m glad you are able to make some peace with them. I certainly enjoy the novels you write, and find them super-engaging and easy to care about. I always like the pacing of your novels and find the serialized format, extremely satisfying—especially the audio. After a long day at work, I really like to just kick back on the couch and rest my tired eyes and listen to a great chapter from your latest tale.
My personal factory settings have changed over the years. After mothering children and homeschooling them, my perfection scale is probably down to a 6 to 7 at the most. I’ve just gotten a lot more easy-going and like to take events and people as they come. I’m a total Enneagram 9.
I’d give myself a very low validation score. 4-5 maybe? I love to work behind the scenes. You would never catch me on a stage performing in any sort of a spotlight. That’s my worst nightmare actually. So I’m very shy about sharing anything I make. And when I do, it’s always my hope to offer something comforting or encouraging in some way possible to help others. That’s when I feel most like myself. I’m also not at all a Completionist, but I do keep my promises to others. I enjoy the process a lot more than the finished product, usually. This summer, I challenged myself to finish a fictional story I had started writing—sort of as an experiment to see if I could make it happen. And I loved it very much.
So all in all, I’d say it’s a great idea to know your factory settings and try to love them. To see every day is just a tiny version of your whole life. Maybe to wake up and say “I’m the kind of person who …” and then fill in the blank with something that you love— as best you can.
You are too kind, Ann. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective. It must be a kind of superpower to have such a sensible need for validation and to not be consumed with finishing things. Why am I not surprised at all that you homeschooled your kids! That's quite an undertaking and a responsibility - I can imagine how your perfection muscle might be a little worn out. Your writing certainly does bring comfort and encouragement as you intend. Thank you for showing up here and for being so supportive of my fiction-- it means the world to me.
As a writer, my thoughts circle what some might consider a drain, others a doorway… to where, I have no idea.
I have a guess about the things you are reflecting on.. and it is only that, a guess. And I thank you for inviting your readers to ponder these things along with you.
So much of the world we live in has been based upon achievement, comparison, and labelling. None of those aspects drive me in any way. Sure, I’d enjoy being liked, and yeah, completing things can be satisfying, but… none of that beckons me out of my head as a woman. So, here’s my guess: that much of these chosen drivers of energy are geared toward the masculine in our society.
What I lean into more often is how the process of living makes me feel. When I slow down enough to notice a ladybug on a hydrangea leaf, I smile. When I find the words that most clearly express my emotions I lean in, when I connect to someone else’s heart and they ‘get me’ I feel that tender warmth. Since I enjoy how these choices make me feel, I try to do them more.
So much of what the women in our long history have been told to do is about process, not completion. Cooking, eating, then cooking again. Laundry, wearing, then laundry again. Pulling weeds, then watering then weeding once again. The tasks that have classically defined females are all process. Men? It’s been more about completion, making a name for one’s self, rising to the top of a business, competing to see who wins the race.
I know things are slowly changing, tasks are being divided more equally and competition has spread its ugliness to both genders. Yet I think you might understand where my mind is headed.
Maybe it has to do with my challenging health, or my age, but my guess (for myself anyway) is that if I don’t address the issue of enjoying the process, then completion, admiration, perfectionism, and satisfaction mean relatively little.
Beautifully said, Tey. I love that you’re able to live in this way. More and more I question what is inherently feminine and masculine. I believe gender certainly plays a role in our lives, but like most aspects of being human, we are each somewhere on the spectrum.
I really appreciate this post, Ben. I’m so glad you shared it. I’ve only read perfectionism so far, but had to chime in. My good friend and colleague is a 10 at her architecture practice, maybe an 11. I’ve always hovered around 8, which has dropped a bit as I’ve gotten older. I always wondered if I just didn’t care enough or lacked the focus or patience to go that extra 20 or 30% (that really feels more like 70% when you’re in the thick of it). I agree it’s a factory setting. That makes sense to me.
It’s crazy isn’t it how excruciatingly hard that last 10 yards is? I think getting older does tend to mellow us out a little bit and maybe we ease off the throttle on some of the things we’re more manic about.
Love this idea of scoring and then appreciating your factory settings, which also recognizing the tripwires. Introspection and self-compassion have their benefits. I’m going to say, for me — perfectionism 7-8; validation 7; completion 7? Or 8? I’m 5 chapters from finishing the novel I’m serializing. It’s feeling harder to stay focused but that may also be due to external pressures of work and life. Validation used to be much higher but has calmed a bit as I’ve gotten older (then again, I could be lying to myself).
I think we’re all unreliable narrators to some degree when it comes to understanding our true nature. From what I know of you, your self-assessment seems pretty accurate though. I’m glad this post was helpful. Thanks for jumping in and sharing your thoughts.
I like this notion of factory settings and it's helping me to reframe a question I've been wrestling with for some time. The part that resonated with me most was in the first section on perfectionism and the qualities that make up a great writer. I would love to be a great writer, but I definitely don't have that drive for perfectionism. I know I could be better than I am if I were willing to put in more work but I'm not.
Specifically, I tend to be a free verse poet who longs to be a great formalist poet. But I know that in order to get there I would need to really spend a lot of time working on forms and shaping and reshaping my poems and that's not how I'm wired. I also just don't seem to be wired with an innate sense of meter. That part of my brain just seems pretty weak. But if I'm not great at meter, I'm really good at alliteration and sound play. Maybe I need to just lean into my brain's free verse factory settings. Or maybe it's ok to occasionally work at being more formalist, but while recognizing that it's not my strength and that to improve in that area is going to take more effort than I might have the ability to put in right now.
I think I'm middle of the road in terms of my need for validation. I crave an audience and love getting comments and likes, but I also know I'd keep writing even if no one ever read what I wrote, because I write for myself first and foremost. And yet, yes I can see where I maybe am to some degree unconsciously shaping what I write around what kinds of responses I get.
I am not strongly a completionist. I have so many unfinished bits and bobs all over the place. I like finishing a piece and yet I also secretly suspect that nothing is ever finished. And yet I am also quite comfortable with publishing rough drafts. (Though I do feel a need to label them as such lest anyone think they are polished final products.)
I like the idea of taking stock and recognizing that a lot of these factors-- and more besides-- are just who I am and not something I need to change and that I might not even be able to change them about myself because they are how I'm made.
Here's how I see it (have reconciled myself to it:)
Every artist is in a prison cell. Make that every person is in a prison cell. And it is lonely and dark and there is a lot to hate about it. Yes, sometimes blossom air drifts in through the window looking out, or there is a shared joke with the cell next door, but much of it is grim, or hard, or not that satisfying, or joyful but short-lived, or whatever makes so much of life frustrating.
Life, in other words.
But inside every cell there's an instrument. Exactly one of them. You wake up one morning, and it is just there. Maybe you have a Stradivarius in a velvet box or maybe you have a child's xylophone. But it is an instrument. It's capable of some kind of music, and it's all you got.
Sorry for the long delay in responding, Adam. I've got to figure out why I've stopped getting notifications (or maybe I don't)! This is a pretty grim and stoic outlook, my friend, but I can see the logic in it. I also think you've been thinking a lot about prison cells lately :-) I wonder about the instrument. Is it just a lottery or do we have some ability to develop into something more than the instrument we're born with? I want to believe the later, but when I see some people with otherworldly talent, I do wonder. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Really not grim! If we didn’t get an instrument, now that would be grim. I always thought classical musicians are more musicians than rock musicians, but neither can do what the other does. We just play what we got. You’re not playing a kazoo Ben and you know it.
I like your framework and method of self reflection on this. I’m cranked high on all 3, which makes life a struggle to find any rest. For this reason I do think it’s possible to influence these impact these 3 have on our lives. Maybe not change the factory settings but the impact the setting has on my life can be dialed back. I’ve begun to see that on perfectionism and validation.
Hi Brian! Sorry for the long delay in responding here. It's been a tough few weeks and also I've stopped getting notifications so I had just assumed after the first few days, this piece had made the rounds. It's interesting to here your pegged on all 3 of these-- that must be kind of a nightmare to manage. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
I envy your ability to complete things, Ben! It's such an accomplishment to have completed three novels, and all those song and short stories while, you know, living life!
My perfectionism and validation settings are high, completion is appallingly low. But it has become so important to me to finish a novel that I must do it! Need to learn how to work better with my settings I suppose.
Having read/listened to a decent amount of your work and interviews, I think I might be wired pretty similarly. I’m not ever going to be a literary author, but that doesn’t mean I do not want to write well and continue learning. If I don’t get any likes, it is very distracting for my everyday life. I have to reassure myself it doesn’t matter and that takes some energy some days. Alternately, if a post gets too many likes, it feels either suspect, like an algorithm quirk, or controlling. Marketing feels ick partly because I’m creating an expectation that this (whatever I’m selling) is all I do. This is not new. Never knowing if my sculpture was actually any good was hard, too, as was the marketing creation of expectation… the artist thing, ya know.
Thanks, Shannon. The way you describe yourself I think you might be right and how our natures are similar. And I do agree that marketing is a complete and utter pain in the ass! I wish it wasn’t necessary.
Thank you so so much for sharing this Ben. The need for validation is something I struggle with as well and it feels particularly hard for writers bc we have to encounter so much rejection!
That’s so true Caroline. There is a tremendous amount of rejection when you’re trying to get past the gatekeepers in traditional publishing. I put myself through that exercise lesson and less these days and try increasingly to find my audience directly. Thanks for reading and sharing a comment.
What a thoughtful and thought provoking piece! I believe I’m a 10 on validation, and it has caused me to focus on strangers to the detriment of people I love. It’s something I’m trying to be mindful of so perhaps I may shift that factory setting and focus first on my loved ones rather than the rest of the world. Thanks for your insights, Ben.
Thanks, Sheri. That makes a lot of sense. I can easily identify with that need to please people even if they are total strangers. It takes a long time for us to really know ourselves and even longer to be able to change.
This reminded me of a story I heard about Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen, where Dylan asks Cohen how long it took to write Hallelujah and Cohen says a couple years (when it was closer to a decade!) And Cohen asks how long it took to write Like A Woman and Dylan says 15 minutes. We all have different factory settings!
Stories like this are the best reminders of how completely ridiculous it is for us to compare ourselves to another and yet we still do.
I think about that exchange all the time. Each could have used a bit of the other. Dylan, more care. Cohen, less fastidiousness. And yet… I love their work as much as I love anyone’s.
Ben this is a brilliantly written piece, which has really forced thought about my tactics
because I shamefully admit 'embracing my factory settings' is not a place I've contemplated even remotely for one simple reason; time.
I am constantly amazed at how regularly some people pump out an awesome post and still talk about their day job and families and friends as if they all just slot into holes perfectly aligned and timed!
How do they do that?
How do you do that?
I don't doubt, if I had more of this seemingly rare and expensive commodity I may well think more often about validation, thinking of it now, yeah, sure, its wonderful to see those little hearts lighting up, today I received a message from Substack saying I am #33 rising in climate and environment. And sure, it was a wow moment, it made my day but what do I do with it, it doesn't change anything because I don't have the time to allow it.
Perfection I can draw a line through immediately as confirmed by one rather blunt subscriber a couple of posts ago... the less said the better, I am never going to be awarded the perfect 10/10. I write what I see and feel, edit until I love what I read back, hope that my subscribers will too and post. I don't have time for fine tuning because the laundry is waiting, my sheep are calling or ivy is growing under the tiles on the barn roof and I need to drag a ladder up to cut it back, and and and...
Completion... if I tell you that I have over 20 unfinished drafts, not to mention the hand written novel gathering dust in a box under my bed, and several attempts at a memoire you'll understand I why this too is a mute point.
But, I love writing, I cannot imagine stoping ever, even if the slots for doing so are fleeting, I write to share my good fortune in the hope that the words brighten the day of others... that's all.
Hi Susie, first off, let me apologize for being so incredibly late in responding to your comment here. I've been going through quite a lot lately and since I don't have notifications turned on, I just didn't think this piece had any life left in it after the first few days. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on your settings. It's wonderful to see so many writers I admire wrestle openly with the same things that plague me.
The one thing we truly have in common is the mountain of things competing for our time. I feel so stretched these days. Congratulations on charting!!! All those little nudges help but you're absolutely right about them changing nothing at all about the work. Thank you for being here, as always. I'm overdue for an update on your hill.
Ben I haven't written A Hill and I post in many weeks due a rather ghastly woman that slayed my confidence with a beastly comment... it's passing, maybe this week I will remedy that — I've been saying that since though...
I did write a very short story in reply to a prompt from Caravan Writers Collective which if you have a few minutes I would love to hear what you think. I don't write fiction as you know but this just flowed, accent n'all.
https://ahillandi.substack.com/p/voilet?r=1mrn9s
Hi Susie, I’ll add it to my list. ❤️
This is great, Ben. Here to offer you validation from a fellow writer! I envy your drive to completionism. I've struggled with that a lot. I'm more of a perfectionist -- capable of not publishing at all, so long as a more perfect version of whatever I'm working on still lives in my head. I do think there's something to be said for developing the necessary muscle/endurance to write through morass and drivel between the pieces that really shine. Going through funks, and less perfect periods, is just part of the process.
Hi Alicia, thanks so much for commenting and I'm sorry to be so late in responding. It's been a tough couple of weeks. It's fascinating, isn't it, how differently we're all wired. You hint at a factory setting that is probably the single most important one and that's persistence -- pushing through the morass and drivel to get to the pieces that shine. I think that's what we're all doing most days.
Sharp piece Ben. Returning to our factory settings, or rather, leaning into them, feels like another way of saying “as it is.” Maybe even “unfixed.” Something in me breathes a bit deeper just writing those words. You and those factory settings are pretty great, as they are, I’m sure the programmer was quite pleased when you rolled off the lot.:)
Thank you, friend. I guess my mom and dad would be the closest ones to thank for my factory settings but more and more I don’t believe a parent can take any credit or blame. In many ways, I think we come fully baked.
I like this notion of factory settings, Ben. I think you have the exact perfect factory settings to do what you do, which is to be a storyteller and a musician, and a super honest communicator. It makes you willing to put yourself out there in an extremely vulnerable way, which I think— just naturally—is not going to feel necessarily “good” a lot of the time. It’s a very brave thing to do. It’s rare set of qualities for a person to possess, but I’m glad you are able to make some peace with them. I certainly enjoy the novels you write, and find them super-engaging and easy to care about. I always like the pacing of your novels and find the serialized format, extremely satisfying—especially the audio. After a long day at work, I really like to just kick back on the couch and rest my tired eyes and listen to a great chapter from your latest tale.
My personal factory settings have changed over the years. After mothering children and homeschooling them, my perfection scale is probably down to a 6 to 7 at the most. I’ve just gotten a lot more easy-going and like to take events and people as they come. I’m a total Enneagram 9.
I’d give myself a very low validation score. 4-5 maybe? I love to work behind the scenes. You would never catch me on a stage performing in any sort of a spotlight. That’s my worst nightmare actually. So I’m very shy about sharing anything I make. And when I do, it’s always my hope to offer something comforting or encouraging in some way possible to help others. That’s when I feel most like myself. I’m also not at all a Completionist, but I do keep my promises to others. I enjoy the process a lot more than the finished product, usually. This summer, I challenged myself to finish a fictional story I had started writing—sort of as an experiment to see if I could make it happen. And I loved it very much.
So all in all, I’d say it’s a great idea to know your factory settings and try to love them. To see every day is just a tiny version of your whole life. Maybe to wake up and say “I’m the kind of person who …” and then fill in the blank with something that you love— as best you can.
You are too kind, Ann. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective. It must be a kind of superpower to have such a sensible need for validation and to not be consumed with finishing things. Why am I not surprised at all that you homeschooled your kids! That's quite an undertaking and a responsibility - I can imagine how your perfection muscle might be a little worn out. Your writing certainly does bring comfort and encouragement as you intend. Thank you for showing up here and for being so supportive of my fiction-- it means the world to me.
As a writer, my thoughts circle what some might consider a drain, others a doorway… to where, I have no idea.
I have a guess about the things you are reflecting on.. and it is only that, a guess. And I thank you for inviting your readers to ponder these things along with you.
So much of the world we live in has been based upon achievement, comparison, and labelling. None of those aspects drive me in any way. Sure, I’d enjoy being liked, and yeah, completing things can be satisfying, but… none of that beckons me out of my head as a woman. So, here’s my guess: that much of these chosen drivers of energy are geared toward the masculine in our society.
What I lean into more often is how the process of living makes me feel. When I slow down enough to notice a ladybug on a hydrangea leaf, I smile. When I find the words that most clearly express my emotions I lean in, when I connect to someone else’s heart and they ‘get me’ I feel that tender warmth. Since I enjoy how these choices make me feel, I try to do them more.
So much of what the women in our long history have been told to do is about process, not completion. Cooking, eating, then cooking again. Laundry, wearing, then laundry again. Pulling weeds, then watering then weeding once again. The tasks that have classically defined females are all process. Men? It’s been more about completion, making a name for one’s self, rising to the top of a business, competing to see who wins the race.
I know things are slowly changing, tasks are being divided more equally and competition has spread its ugliness to both genders. Yet I think you might understand where my mind is headed.
Maybe it has to do with my challenging health, or my age, but my guess (for myself anyway) is that if I don’t address the issue of enjoying the process, then completion, admiration, perfectionism, and satisfaction mean relatively little.
Beautifully said, Tey. I love that you’re able to live in this way. More and more I question what is inherently feminine and masculine. I believe gender certainly plays a role in our lives, but like most aspects of being human, we are each somewhere on the spectrum.
I so agree, and am happy to know that as my children have come to understand, we each contain multitudes.
Love this, Ben. I can relate wholeheartedly. Thank you for speaking so much of what I didn’t have the words for. Keep shining, my friend.
Thank you, Troy! I’m glad this post resonated with you. It’s good to see you in the comments. ❤️
I really appreciate this post, Ben. I’m so glad you shared it. I’ve only read perfectionism so far, but had to chime in. My good friend and colleague is a 10 at her architecture practice, maybe an 11. I’ve always hovered around 8, which has dropped a bit as I’ve gotten older. I always wondered if I just didn’t care enough or lacked the focus or patience to go that extra 20 or 30% (that really feels more like 70% when you’re in the thick of it). I agree it’s a factory setting. That makes sense to me.
It’s crazy isn’t it how excruciatingly hard that last 10 yards is? I think getting older does tend to mellow us out a little bit and maybe we ease off the throttle on some of the things we’re more manic about.
Love this idea of scoring and then appreciating your factory settings, which also recognizing the tripwires. Introspection and self-compassion have their benefits. I’m going to say, for me — perfectionism 7-8; validation 7; completion 7? Or 8? I’m 5 chapters from finishing the novel I’m serializing. It’s feeling harder to stay focused but that may also be due to external pressures of work and life. Validation used to be much higher but has calmed a bit as I’ve gotten older (then again, I could be lying to myself).
I think we’re all unreliable narrators to some degree when it comes to understanding our true nature. From what I know of you, your self-assessment seems pretty accurate though. I’m glad this post was helpful. Thanks for jumping in and sharing your thoughts.
I like this notion of factory settings and it's helping me to reframe a question I've been wrestling with for some time. The part that resonated with me most was in the first section on perfectionism and the qualities that make up a great writer. I would love to be a great writer, but I definitely don't have that drive for perfectionism. I know I could be better than I am if I were willing to put in more work but I'm not.
Specifically, I tend to be a free verse poet who longs to be a great formalist poet. But I know that in order to get there I would need to really spend a lot of time working on forms and shaping and reshaping my poems and that's not how I'm wired. I also just don't seem to be wired with an innate sense of meter. That part of my brain just seems pretty weak. But if I'm not great at meter, I'm really good at alliteration and sound play. Maybe I need to just lean into my brain's free verse factory settings. Or maybe it's ok to occasionally work at being more formalist, but while recognizing that it's not my strength and that to improve in that area is going to take more effort than I might have the ability to put in right now.
I think I'm middle of the road in terms of my need for validation. I crave an audience and love getting comments and likes, but I also know I'd keep writing even if no one ever read what I wrote, because I write for myself first and foremost. And yet, yes I can see where I maybe am to some degree unconsciously shaping what I write around what kinds of responses I get.
I am not strongly a completionist. I have so many unfinished bits and bobs all over the place. I like finishing a piece and yet I also secretly suspect that nothing is ever finished. And yet I am also quite comfortable with publishing rough drafts. (Though I do feel a need to label them as such lest anyone think they are polished final products.)
I like the idea of taking stock and recognizing that a lot of these factors-- and more besides-- are just who I am and not something I need to change and that I might not even be able to change them about myself because they are how I'm made.
Here's how I see it (have reconciled myself to it:)
Every artist is in a prison cell. Make that every person is in a prison cell. And it is lonely and dark and there is a lot to hate about it. Yes, sometimes blossom air drifts in through the window looking out, or there is a shared joke with the cell next door, but much of it is grim, or hard, or not that satisfying, or joyful but short-lived, or whatever makes so much of life frustrating.
Life, in other words.
But inside every cell there's an instrument. Exactly one of them. You wake up one morning, and it is just there. Maybe you have a Stradivarius in a velvet box or maybe you have a child's xylophone. But it is an instrument. It's capable of some kind of music, and it's all you got.
I'll leave it there.
Sorry for the long delay in responding, Adam. I've got to figure out why I've stopped getting notifications (or maybe I don't)! This is a pretty grim and stoic outlook, my friend, but I can see the logic in it. I also think you've been thinking a lot about prison cells lately :-) I wonder about the instrument. Is it just a lottery or do we have some ability to develop into something more than the instrument we're born with? I want to believe the later, but when I see some people with otherworldly talent, I do wonder. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Really not grim! If we didn’t get an instrument, now that would be grim. I always thought classical musicians are more musicians than rock musicians, but neither can do what the other does. We just play what we got. You’re not playing a kazoo Ben and you know it.
I like your framework and method of self reflection on this. I’m cranked high on all 3, which makes life a struggle to find any rest. For this reason I do think it’s possible to influence these impact these 3 have on our lives. Maybe not change the factory settings but the impact the setting has on my life can be dialed back. I’ve begun to see that on perfectionism and validation.
Hi Brian! Sorry for the long delay in responding here. It's been a tough few weeks and also I've stopped getting notifications so I had just assumed after the first few days, this piece had made the rounds. It's interesting to here your pegged on all 3 of these-- that must be kind of a nightmare to manage. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
To all the writers regularly threshing in convulsions of self-doubt. Solidarity.
Absolutely, Ana.
I envy your ability to complete things, Ben! It's such an accomplishment to have completed three novels, and all those song and short stories while, you know, living life!
My perfectionism and validation settings are high, completion is appallingly low. But it has become so important to me to finish a novel that I must do it! Need to learn how to work better with my settings I suppose.
Hi Stephanie! I believe in you. You can totally finish that novel. Thanks for turning up here, it’s nice to hear from you again.
Thanks, Ben! Always enjoy reading your stuff.
Having read/listened to a decent amount of your work and interviews, I think I might be wired pretty similarly. I’m not ever going to be a literary author, but that doesn’t mean I do not want to write well and continue learning. If I don’t get any likes, it is very distracting for my everyday life. I have to reassure myself it doesn’t matter and that takes some energy some days. Alternately, if a post gets too many likes, it feels either suspect, like an algorithm quirk, or controlling. Marketing feels ick partly because I’m creating an expectation that this (whatever I’m selling) is all I do. This is not new. Never knowing if my sculpture was actually any good was hard, too, as was the marketing creation of expectation… the artist thing, ya know.
Thanks, Shannon. The way you describe yourself I think you might be right and how our natures are similar. And I do agree that marketing is a complete and utter pain in the ass! I wish it wasn’t necessary.
Thank you so so much for sharing this Ben. The need for validation is something I struggle with as well and it feels particularly hard for writers bc we have to encounter so much rejection!
That’s so true Caroline. There is a tremendous amount of rejection when you’re trying to get past the gatekeepers in traditional publishing. I put myself through that exercise lesson and less these days and try increasingly to find my audience directly. Thanks for reading and sharing a comment.
What a thoughtful and thought provoking piece! I believe I’m a 10 on validation, and it has caused me to focus on strangers to the detriment of people I love. It’s something I’m trying to be mindful of so perhaps I may shift that factory setting and focus first on my loved ones rather than the rest of the world. Thanks for your insights, Ben.
Thanks, Sheri. That makes a lot of sense. I can easily identify with that need to please people even if they are total strangers. It takes a long time for us to really know ourselves and even longer to be able to change.